My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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