she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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