I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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