no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
