someone threw a dead crab at me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
