me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
