trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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