i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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