Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
