I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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