So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
