Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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