Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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