His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
