I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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