I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
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Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
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His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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