What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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