I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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