I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
