Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
