Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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