Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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