oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
