i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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