new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
