you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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