I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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