My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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