ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
