Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
