Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
