i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
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He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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