you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
