Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
