She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
