the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
