I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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