Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
