The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
