You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
