sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
