i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
