I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I will be naked everywhere
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
