dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
