She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
