How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
