Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
