The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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