Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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