i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
