I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
