I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
