i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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