In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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