whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
