she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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