my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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