she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
