He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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